Supporting Survivors

Caring for folks who have survived abuse and sexual violence can be confusing. A lot of what we’re taught by society and by our cultures, such as blaming victims for what happened to them, casting doubt on their credibility, forcing them to forgive their abusers, minimising their trauma, and judging survivors for how they cope (through self-harm, for eg.) or pressuring them into giving up their coping mechanisms, can lead to further trauma and suffering.

I offer consultations, rooted in my lived experience and experience in caring for other survivors, for folks who would like support in caring for people who have been abused. Surviving abuse and trauma is often messy and chaotic. How can we build our capacity to hold space for that messiness, instead of forcing survivors to perform in ways that are more palatable to us? How can we plan for particularly difficult moments? How can we honour the ways that survivors cope, even when those coping mechanisms can cause them harm or make no sense to us? How can our relationships themselves be a source of healing for people who have endured severe harm in past relationships?

What can we cover?

  • Safety planning for triggers and moments of crisis

  • Skills for validating someone through difficult emotional states

  • Supporting survivors through coping mechanisms that can cause harm to themselves

  • Ways to navigate intense fears of abandonment or rejection that surface in your relationship

  • Supporting survivors in ways that honour their agency and self-determination. Trauma robs us of both of these; those same dynamics can’t also be present in our healing.

  • Becoming aware of and honouring your own triggers, needs and limitations

  • For mental health practitioners: exploring how the power imbalance in the relationship can be inherently activating, and ways of equalising this power difference

Questions for carers to reflect on:

  • What assumptions do I make about people whose needs are different than mine? Sometimes, when we’re unable to offer someone the chronic support that they need, we may find ourselves projecting that frustration onto them and labelling them “too needy” or assuming that they need to be “more independent”. What assumptions do I make about other people’s capacities, abilities and limitations?

  • How do I respond to someone rejecting my offers of care? Do I respond with anger, exasperation and judgment? As Mia Mingus says, “As we fight for the right to receive care, we must also fight for the right to refuse care.” Sometimes what we’re offering is not what someone wants or needs. Or the care that we’re offering is conditional, based on conditions they’re not willing to accept. How do you respond to someone rejecting your help? How does your care center and honour survivors’ agency and consent?

  • How does your care honour your own limitations and needs? Are you aware of your own triggers and how they show up in your relationships? What resources would you need to offer support more sustainably?

My work is rooted in:

- My lived experiences of surviving CSA, domestic abuse and intimate partner violence, years of experience in caring and advocating for survivors, as well as helping survivors to share their stories with the world.

- Harm reduction, which involves a refusal to moralise survivors’ coping mechanisms, respecting and honouring individuals’ autonomy, and an understanding that people’s choices are dependent on their external conditions and that we all have very different levels of access to resources.

- Disability justice, which involves centering survivor agency and self-determination, an understanding that we are not anyone’s “saviour” and that we do not know what survivors need better than they do. Survivors are the experts of their own minds, bodies and experiences.

- An understanding that many of our survival responses are also responses to current and ongoing systemic traumas. Dissociation, for eg., can be a helpful resource for surviving ongoing conditions of violence that someone is unable to escape. This is why it’s important to center survivors’ definition of “healing” instead of imposing our own, and one of the reasons why punishing people for their trauma responses (which happens both in the mental health system and in our relationships) is so harmful.

Sliding scale

I offer sessions for one hour on a sliding scale from $65 - $130 to accommodate folks with different financial capabilities. Please feel free to indicate on the form below what you’re most able to afford on this scale!

Please fill out the form below and I’ll be in touch soon! Thank you!